Developing the shadows.

Been on a deep dive lately. Have come to tarot very seriously as a tool to explore my psyche…especially the parts I am not super comfortable with. I’ve been into witchcraft and fringe expression since I was an ill-adjusted teenager. I know that’s not entirely abnormal, particularly for someone in my 30-something demographic. Regardless, it has always had a pull. At that time, I realize in retrospect, I was using it not only as a means to bond on a deeper level with my best friend, but to also escape the massive trauma I was experiencing through most of my pre-teen/teen years. It was a form of strength, power, and internal fire that had been so dimmed and snuffed by my environment and circumstances. I felt like I held the power to make shit happen. Of course, I had watched The Craft a whole bunch, so it was a naive power—but a power nonetheless. It was an outlet.

I wasn’t good at sports. I wanted to be, but I just fucking wasn’t. My family couldn’t afford most things and I couldn’t attend regular practices because I was playing mother to my severely autistic, non-verbal older brother after school while both my parents worked. The two of us would fight because neither of us were equipped to communicate properly. It’s a wonder no one got physically hurt, honestly. When I was 14, my sister died of colon cancer. My brother was in federal prison for things that, later, none of the family could even begin to wrap our heads around (we all came out on the other side of that, but at the time it was yet another log on the fire of my adolescence). My dad was a horrible alcoholic and my parents had succumb to infidelity and abuse.

Magic saved me then and it’s saving me now.

Magic saved me then and it’s saving me now.

As the current state of the union shines a light on the darkness that has always been festering beneath the surface, and exposes what some of us have known about humanity and the capacity for darkness for our entire lives, magic feels like another way to escape again. But it’s different this time, at least for me…

It’s forcing me inward. It’s forcing me to shine that light into the corners of my dirty, not-so-ideal patterns and default behavior. It’s giving me a strength (and that’s the card I keep drawing with almost every personal tarot spread I do lately) to persevere. To continue wading my way through the shit just like I always have. And to make me more connected to a world that I once thought only existed as hostile. It’s not all hostile. It’s starts inside. It starts when you harnass your shadows and recognize they are inside everyone.


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