Anxiety + Creativity

A bulleted list as it appeared in my phone notes; brought to you unedited to further that closed-in anxious vibe.

  • The curse of social media—mostly Instagram. Comparison. Seeing other artists create and “succeed” making things you know you should be making or better by this point.
  • Comparing years of experience and dormant plans to others that seem…yes seem…to have it all together in a year. 50K followers. Admiration, steady income. Good lighting and a highlight reel that you just don’t have.
  • But, your brain, oh your brain is a virtual feast of creativity. The ideas you’ve never realized are so much better than theirs. But the thought doesn’t count, motherfucker. Make. That’s what counts.
  • Too many ideas resulting in paralysis.
  • The time though? When is there the time when you must focus on your health and your shitty guts and packing school lunches and going to teacher meetings and vacuuming the floor and finally maybe considering fixing the windows or the siding or the many crumbling parts of your house. Or spending a grand on your elderly dog that you love too much. Or going to concerts and relaxing and feeling ok about relaxing instead of guilty.
  • Having writing ideas and sitting down and producing nothing.
  • Or getting sick in the midst of research and a surge of creative juices only to spend the rest of the day vomiting and woozy wondering what you ate and sleeping the day and evening away instead.
  • Going back to work and being so overloaded with the work of others that takes priority because it pays your bills (when you remember to) and keeps food in your mouth.
  • The anxiety of not even remembering to frantically type this into the notepad of your phone in time before the big fish swims away to the sea and the thought is lost forever.
  • Not being able to celebrate the small victories when they do come.
  • The anxiety that writing this as a blog post on a blog that barely anyone reads is a waste of time when it could be energy expended on producing those ideas that are beating the back of our eyes with a shovel day after day.
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This is not about Matt Lauer.

Completely unrelated to what I want to write about…why the shit is Matt Lauer the top rated search on Yahoo! today?  Do people still care about Matt Lauer?  What is his appeal?  I don’t get it. 

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Anyway, I have had this incredibly nagging anxious feeling the past couple of days, and I cannot seem to shake it.  It is a foreshadowing.  I only ever feel this way when something is about to happen.  It comes with a blunt force, messes with my eating habits, causes things to get a little less than solid…you know, on the way out, and ummm…just generally makes me feel unsettled. 

I’m wholeheartedly uncertain if this “something” is going to happen today, tomorrow, next week; I am also uncertain whether it will be happy, helpful, devastating or basically disruptive.  

It’s also come to the point where I don’t even know if I am feeling it anymore.  I find myself being doubtful of the feeling’s authenticity.  Is it real?  Am I exaserbating it by thinking about it constantly?  Am I thinking about it constantly because it is going to happen soon?  Am I being a spaz?  

And, you know, I wrote this in hopes to maybe feel some sort of catharsis, but now my skin is tingling under my wrists and my fingers are going numb.  This is not working.  The levee must break soon, thank you very much.